Headstone? No. | Obit? Opt Out .
My sister-in-law, Sandi, passed away suddenly shortly after the New Year at age 60. Sad and tragic as this was, it was what happened after her passing that gave me a genealogical pause.
No Headstone
Sandi chose to be cremated and her ashes scattered in the Pacific Ocean…some in California and some in Hawaii (a favorite vacation spot). So there will be no headstone, no cemetery, no sexton records to mark her remains. There will be, however, a record with the Neptune Society, which takes care of the spreading of ashes for those interested in a “burial at sea.”
No doubt many people are cremated, and some portion have their ashes scattered. I’m sure it is a very personal, private choice. I must say, that’s not my choice. I like the idea of being somewhere that can be found, should anyone be looking. I like the idea of having a place loved ones can visit. And though I strongly believe my parents are in Heaven, I still like visiting their graves on occasion, placing flowers, and honoring their time here on Earth.
No Obit
Back to Sandi. Her husband, Bruce, made the decision to not have an obituary published for Sandi. Since she died suddenly, I’m sure they never discussed it, and the decision was left to him. As a genealogist, I took a double-take on this one. Again, I’m sure Bruce had his reasons, but I just can’t imagine not having an obituary.
To me it seems like a last opportunity to let the world know, “I was here.” “I mattered.” And should the next generation come looking for me, here’s what I want you to know.
I know I took great pains and pride in writing an obituary my mother would be proud of when she passed away last year. ( I was very careful to include every maiden name, too!)
Mom and Sandi led normal, humble lives, which never gave rise to any public awareness through mass media. There names were never in the paper, they were never on t.v. Their obituaries – or lack thereof – was the last opportunity, in my humble opinion, to say to the world, “I was here. Thanks for the great life.”
I’m sure everyone who knew and loved Sandi will treasure their memories of her in their hearts. I can only hope the next generation will hear of her through word of mouth, if not through her headstone or her obituary.
Happy Researching!
I, too, often think of the added difficulty for genealogists in the future. A good friend of mine died and her family, although they had an obituary, included only the bare facts of her name, date of death and date of funeral. They said she “wanted everything to be simple” at her death. In addition to your examples there are the people who donate their bodies to science.
I belong to a religious community which has a section in the cemetery. Within that area there is a stone on which the names and dates of Sisters who have donated their body to science or have been cremated are inscribed. Not everyone may be able to do this, especially if they do not have a cemetery plot, but if they do, they might consider adding a stone to an existing plot to commemorate a family member who did not have a traditional burial.
I think you’ve put forth a terrific idea in having a marker in lieu of a plot.
A childhood classmate of mine died in a horrific act of violence. Her body was never found. But her parents put a marker in the cemetery – coincidentally the same cemetery where my parents lie. I happened to see her father visiting it one day. The marker must offer some piece of solace.
Thank you for your comments.
Beth
Your story is both a genealogy illustration and a tribute to Sandi. My condolences on her passing. I think you have found a meaningful way to mark it.
How very kind of you to say.
Difficult decision for family historians to understand and accept, isn’t it? Having experienced it myself, I empathize with your frustration. My condolences on the loss of your sister-in-law.
Thank you so much.
I’m sorry for your family’s loss of your dear Sandi. Regarding the choices being made: my husband and I have chosen to be cremated, but not scattered at sea. I’ve often chuckled at myself that I’m not leaving a headstone for some future genealogist; shame on me. But we will have obituaries and those left behind will hold memorial services, I’m sure. The services and the obituaries are, in my mind, a final gift to the living, not the dead. Each format gives the living a structure for their grief, a way to wrap their emotional and spiritual arms around themselves and each other, acknowledging how the departed have affected their own lives and their own senses of self.
Thank you for your comments! And I agree completely that the obit and the funeral are about the living & not the dead. And I like your idea that they are the “final gift.” That’s lovely.
Thanks.
Beth
I offer my condolences on the loss of Sandi. I too share a similar experience. When my father passed in 2010, my mother refused to have any service at all, she had him cremated, but no further action was taken. There was no notice put in the paper nor will there be any service when she passes if her wishes are followed. Their ashes are to be buried together.
It has left a void for all of the family as we do not have a feeling of closure. It is one gift that could have been given to the family in making the final arrangements. I shall be sure to do this for our sons so they do not have to go through the same experience that my siblings and I have had.
Heather
Heather,
Thank you for your comment. I understand how this can leave a void in a family’s ability to say good-bye and have closure. The passing of a loved one is a deeply emotional and personal experience. And the rituals of funerals, cemetery sites, and even obituaries can absolutely contribute to the healing process.
All the best with your family.
Beth
Then trend towards “leave no trace” has moved from camping into family history. I’ve noticed this with 3 family members who also chose cremation & no markers. However, their urns are buried together in a “family plot” on private property. I’ve just recently been given permission to access the plot and take “Billion Graves” photos. I’ll upload & index the photos. It’s the best I can do.
Brenda,
Your story about the 3 family members is fascinating. Thanks for sharing!
Beth